Rules of Conversation

I would like to believe that I am a good conversationalist - I follow all the rules, take turns and offer feedback when necessary. Along with these rules, I truly value eye contact in a conversation, I feel like eye contact assures me that the other person is really listening and comprehending what I am saying. In some of my previous classes I have learned that during a normal conversation, it is socially acceptable to maintain eye contact for 75% of the time and I completely agree - I don't need to be stared at without blinking but I would like my conversation partner to look me in the eyes for some part of the conversation.


According to Deborah Tannen, my expectations of eye contact may be too high for a conversation with a member of the opposite sex. Men do not feel the need to keep eye contact or even use it periodically. This used to drive me nuts with a previous boyfriend, he would barely keep eye contact with me, even when the conversation was important! I used to get so frustrated that sometimes I would take both of my hands and put one on either side of his head and make him look at me to make sure he understood how important my message was (this wasn't used for long conversations haha). I felt that he was being so in-attentive that I needed to force him to physically look me in the eyes. Tannen explains that men (and boys) do not customarily face each other when speaking and don't hold that much eye contact; "I found that at every age, the girls and women faced each other directly, their eyes anchored on each other's faces. At every age, the boys and men sat at angles to each other and looked elsewhere in the room...But the tendency of men to face away can give women the impression that they aren't listening even when they are" (Tannen, 242). Men do not realize they are listening in a different way than women listen, they don't understand that women need more interaction and attentiveness. Men listen to women the same way they listen to men and that's why women feel they aren't being heard. 


With this knowledge that men listen differently than women explains why so many women feel that the men are not listening, understanding, or supporting. Tannen has explained that even though men may look like they are not listening, they may be hearing every single word. If all women knew about the research and study of these cultural communication differences, I feel that they would all be much more understanding of their boyfriends, husbands, etc.